Much of the content of this article is gathered from America’s Loneliness Epidemic: What Is To Be Done? (Weill Cornell Medicine, 2024.) There are additional links and resources that may be useful in a previous Terps Take Care article, Making Friends & Coping with Loneliness (2021).
In October of 2018, we published Lonely? You’re Not Alone – nearly a year and a half before anyone had ever heard of COVID. Obviously, some human experiences transcend even global pandemics. The point is, everyone struggles at some point with isolation and loneliness. There’s an idea that once a person gets to college, everything will be great and flawless and you’ll immediately make friends and never be lonely again – but for lots of folks, it’s just not like that. Finding likeminded people and then building friendships with them takes time. Almost everyone can relate to that.
(By the way, Lonely? You’re Not Alone contains a video and essay by a college student who was going through exactly this experience.)
Additionally, lonelniess is an increasingly common social phenomenon in the United States. You may have recently heard about the surgeon general’s warning about loneliness.
“Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health. Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being hiding in plain sight – one that can help us live healthier, more fulfilled, and more productive lives,” said U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy. “Given the significant health consequences of loneliness and isolation, we must prioritize building social connection the same way we have prioritized other critical public health issues such as tobacco, obesity, and substance use disorders. Together, we can build a country that’s healthier, more resilient, less lonely, and more connected.”
New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States, USD Health & Human Services.
Don’t let that dishearten you. All this means is that, well, even when you’re lonely, you don’t have to be lonely alone. We’re committed to working with you to continue to build a “culture of connectedness,” per Dr Murthy’s recommendations. In the meantime, here are some things you can do for yourself and each other.
Dr. Daniel Knoepflmacher explores some of this in America’s Loneliness Epidemic: What Is To Be Done? He starts by defining loneliness as “the distressing feelings we have when we have fewer social connections than we want and need. Being lonely is different from being alone, which might not be a bad thing. In fact, there may be times when we seek out solitude as an escape from stress and business as usual. Loneliness and social isolation become detrimental when they persist for extended periods of time.
“We’re wired as human beings to connect with others. Our brains are designed for social connectedness. Our survival from birth into adulthood depends on it.”
– Dr. Daniel Knoepflmacher, America’s Loneliness Epidemic: What Is To Be Done?
Here are some ways to navigate loneliness and move beyond it.
Think about the people who are your closest connections.
These might be friends and family who are far away. That’s okay! There’s nothing wrong with setting up phone-dates, weekly times to play online games, or more. We learned how to do a lot of these things during the height of the pandemic, and there’s no reason to forget about them now. Use these tools to stay connected to those who are far away.
Choose someone to meet up with.
Whether this is someone you already know well, or someone from your class who you’ve messaged before about notes or tests or homework – or just the person down the hall – try to meet up outside of your normal times. Offer to study together for an upcoming test, or grab coffee before or after class. Maybe you’ll find out they’re watching the same show as you are – talk about your favorite and least-favorite parts together, and then plan to catch up after the next episode (or watch it together!). Bonus points if you actually hang out outside of your residence hall room – going someone like the dining hall or somewhere on Route 1 allows you to be in a neutral environment and se other people, too.
Become active in one or more organizations you’re connected with.
There are so many opportunities to connect with each other! Res Life has Find Your Squad! events all the time – just check with your RA to find out when the next chance is to hang out with others. Studio A provides all kinds of opportunities for creative people to connect at one-time events and ongoing (nonacademic) classes where you can learn how to sculpt clay, watercolor, dance, and more. Recwell offers all kinds of opportunities for Intramural Sports and Group Fitness classes. Faith-based groups, affinity groups, and volunteering groups can all be great places to start connecting with other people, developing community, and finding a connective purpose, too. Sometimes just having a place you can go, with people who know your name, opens up the doorways to new and lasting friendships.
Remember that you’re not alone in feeling lonely.
As we’ve said before, so many of us are dealing with loneliness, but we don’t have to accept it as permanent. In the meantime, it’s important to keep track of our thoughts and be compassionate with ourselves. Loneliness can have a strange impact on the way we think – not just in the content of our thoughts (which may become sad or hopeless), but also in the actual way our thoughts form. It can lead to disconnectedness in our thinking. Talk to people out loud whenever you can, but also consider journaling or organizing your thoughts in similar ways. It can become easy to spiral into a dark mood when we’re lonely.
“If a patient tells me they’re lonely or struggling with social isolation, they’ve already won half the battle. Being aware of the problem and seeking help is the most important first step in addressing loneliness. Typically, I advise people to begin with their closest sources of support. People are often afraid to reach out for fear of being a burden, but more often than not they find that others are eager for the opportunity to be there for them.” – Dr. Daniel Knoepflmacher, America’s Loneliness Epidemic: What Is To Be Done?
“[P]ay attention to judgments about yourself. If you notice that you are being less than compassionate in your thoughts about yourself, make a conscious effort to practice replacing those thoughts with more reasonable ones.” –The Quiet Pandemic of Loneliness During COVID-19, Psychology Today.
“Just as you would feel caring and compassion toward someone you love who is struggling with loneliness, practice seeing yourself in the same way. If you tend to be self-critical or callous toward your own pain, observe that reaction. Then tell yourself to refocus on the pain of feeling lonely; and offer a caring response, such as, ‘It’s awful to feel so alone. I’m really sorry you feel this way.’” –Overcoming Loneliness While Social Distancing, Psychology Today.